By: ES Strauss
‘If, in the straight world, butches bear the brunt of the physical and verbal abuse for their difference, in the lesbian-feminist world, femmes have had to endure a deeper attack on their sense of self-worth.’
A quotation from Joan Nestles of the Gender Institute is a clear way of showcasing how there is discrimination within the LGBTQ+, not just outside the rainbow, et al, stripes. After reading this study by two LGBTQ+ women, Hannah McCann and Gemma Killen, it made me feel community in a way I had not before. I identify as a non-binary/gentlethey, Sapphic/Achillean, leather-daddy, sappiosexual. How do I break this down so others do not see me as a complicated mouthful? I am a boi (with an intentional i) given I mostly identify as masculine (Gentlethey) and 99.9% of time present this way, as it feels authentic to my soul and body. I was born and still live in a female anatomy. Though, I am pronoun fluid, and do not mind someone whom I have known for decades using she/her for me, he/him are my truths, and ‘they’, given we are all plural.
I say sappho given I am an author of several poetry collections and spoken word artist. Sappho was an Archaic Greek poet from Eresos or Mytilene on the island of Lesbos (Lesbian.) I identify with the word lesbian as I am mostly attracted to high-femmes who are queer. Achillean I use for myself as I am a jock, which to many, would seem contradictory as it is the opposite of sappho for homosexual men, generally. But, I march to the beat of my own drummer, where I kick society aside like a soccer ball, and use the vocabulary that feels honest to every fiber of my being. The leather-daddy part of my identity simply means I love wearing leather, harnesses, tight shorts, chains, boots (I am an uppercase K within the initialism.) And, daddy as I am a romantic and sexual partner who receives pleasure from giving more than receiving, but, not unopposed to switching it up; a pun, but if you know me well, spot on. Lastlyish, sappiosexual, which means, I am most sexually attracted to someone’s intelligence; slightly different from pansexuality as that can be more personality based without gender and sex prominent within attraction; though they overlap.
I found this study timely and fascinating as it resonates with me strongly when I attempt to hangout at a lesbian/queer bar in New York City where I reside. There are only a few lesbian bars here in NYC, though these days LGBTQ+ bars and clubs are more inclusive and use the umbrella term ‘Queer.’ Like many women in the study, I do not always feel seen or safe given I feel I am being judged for not being femme enough. As a single person who toggles between monogamy and polyamory it can be frustrating and depletes my confidence when I enter some of these spaces. The word that circulates through my head as I wait in line on a (pick a season) night in the city, I would describe as cliquey. Before entering the space, the line can be where many fellow queer people make their decision about you. Are you queer enough? This is discrimination. I personally only use the word queer as an umbrella term if I am speaking about the community depending on the atmosphere (usually when I am in the presence of my generation Y/millenial, or Z, the generation that follows.) If I utter the word gay around certain folks (with a k given the k has never excluded anyone, but the x does, ironically) they look at me as if I am not cool/hot on their scale to be present or femme at all.
This study in-particular focuses on a group of high-femme women, who to many, are seen as authentic LGBTQ+ women. When in fact, they are. The word invisible is mentioned many times within the article, and it hit me as soon as I read it a few times, we as a society have a hard time escaping judgment. To many, especially LGBTQ+ people, I look like a butch lesbian, dyke, a word I proudly use for myself. I intentionally present this way, but if I choose to put makeup on, let my Kenny G locks escape from my ponytail, beanie or baseball cap, would society still see me as ‘Queer?’ A Gen X, bisexual woman I thought I had a genuine connection with…society may put her into the ‘invisible’ category given she presents high-femme, her truths. I scream from the mountaintops “I’M GAY!” In a more subtle way, she lets society know she is an LGBTQ+ femme; I find her cat-steps sophisticated & sexy.
Her and I have similar anxieties when it comes to queer socializing, we do not always feel brave enough to enter these spaces to connect with the community; two C words that sometimes feel tainted. As the years turn, it does not always feel like we are moving forward.
Replacing queer instead of saying LGBTQ+ is a part of this. Queer literally means weird. And, though, in the Stonewall era, many LGBTQ+ folks would refer to themselves as queer, it was not meant in a positive light. They would say it because they felt uncomfortable not feeling valued. When that word is used derogatorily by people it can be hard for many to want to reclaim it, and by forcing LGBTQ+ people to say queer instead of gay, bisexual, lesbian, et al, it erases history. Simply, when you tell a high femme woman she does not look queer enough, it is the same as telling a butch lesbian, we are not femme enough.
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